Special Edition

Tracey May has written another article for our website.  This is a very important statement of a person with great determination that was able to overcome her schizophrenia.  She did this on her own despite the negative attitude of the world that is so cynical and doesn’t believe that people with her condition can recover.  She defied these negative attitudes and the stigma surrounding schizophrenia and not only recovered but made a life for herself that should give meaning to others and help those in need understand that with determination and purpose, recover can happen. 

Jack Rosberg


My complete recovery without the aid of medications happened gradually over a three-year period. But the first month of recovery happened so quickly it terrified me. It came about by a life changing experience, the birth of my son who is now 17 years old, well adjusted, happy, content, and loved. The birth of my son jarred me awake from a 21-year-old dead sleep called schizophrenia.

Back then; I was confronted with the choice of staying inside the world of schizophrenia or coming out and caring for my son. I don’t think I had much of a choice considering the fact that I was bombarded by flashbacks of my own abuse while holding my son, and bathing him. The flashbacks were violent in nature and scared the hell out me. But something within me knew it was time to let go of schizophrenia, an emotional illness that helped me survive a world outside myself that I viewed as dangerous and untrusting. I needed to leave that schizophrenic world because I would have never forgiven myself for remaining schizophrenic for selfish reasons and robbing my son of a life he so deserved.

Imagine that…for 21 years I was bombarded with hallucinations and voices inside my head that taunted me on a daily basis commanding me to kill or be killed. If anyone dared to enter my world frequent thoughts of their violent death flashed through my mind. In order to not act on my rage I avoided people at all costs. It was my way of protecting others and myself from harm. And that rage protected me from others trying to enter my world. I knew if backed into a corner I could use it to drive people away. It worked. But it was not really what I wanted.

 I felt a fear so intense of the real world that paranoia was my constant companion. What helped me to survive were my delusions of grandeur. I was the last saviour standing, the reincarnated chosen one, out to conquer all the evil in the world. When I look back on all those lost years it still astounds me that everyone had given up on me. I never gave up. How I remember the words, “crazy, nuts, hopeless.” I still feel the sting of those cruel words when I hear people utter them out of ignorance. As nuts as I might have been I was still a human being no different than anyone else. I waited so long for someone to rescue me from the hell I lived in, but I was abandoned, scared and alone. It was so unfair that I had been shun by everyone because of a lot of misconceptions about mental illness. I was a real person with wants and needs. None of my needs were ever met so I struggled to find some kind of relief on my own and schizophrenia sure did serve my needs in coping with my everyday pathetic existence. I was an empty shell without an identity. I mimicked others mannerisms and behaviourisms to pass as a normal person and my only concern was to make sure no one entered my world to cause me further harm. Of course I did this without knowledge or insight into my sickness. And whom could I have trusted anyways?

Recovery for me was extremely difficult. It has been the most challenging thing I have ever done in my life so far. I think way before recovery came I had already believed that I would find a way out. I had no control over my illness because it was so very powerful and consumed my every thought. It took much willpower to fight the symptoms of a daily basis but I managed to by hanging onto every little reality I knew. I was so terrified of going completely insane. I feared that I would suffer further abuse so I hung in there always fighting the symptoms hoping for a way out, hoping that someone would somehow reach me and make some kind of connection. I wanted someone to recognize that I was in dire need of help. I just couldn’t find the words to ask for help because they were scrabbled in some kind of mystic unknown language that I didn’t even understand back then.

Recovery to me was not admitting that schizophrenia was a life-long disease or medications were the only way to go. My brain wasn’t broken; it was my mind and spirit. I had never received any form of treatment just the label schizophrenia through assessment after assessment by so-called competent professionals. Don’t get me wrong, I do believe that there are a great number of caring professionals out there but very few that are willing to create a must needed change within the mental health system. Personally I believe that professionals and families should work together to create that change. I believe sufferers are waiting for it just like I once did. I think it is about time that professionals wake to the reality that it is not about their needs and what they want. It is all about the sufferer.

Recovery to me was confronting the truth in which I had become. Recovery to me was recognizing the underlying causes, which were emotional, sexual, and mental trauma. Years of it I might add. I had been so traumatized that I escaped into Schizophrenia to survive. I lied to myself. I knew who lied to me. I knew when to lie. I thought I was a master manipulator. In reality no one really cared about me. I dealt with that by believing I was a very important person on a grand mission out to save the world, instead of the sad truth that I was nobody in others eyes. 

I can only imagine if I did not choose recovery where I’d be now. I probably would have buried myself deeper into schizophrenia, never to come out. I probably would have taken my own life to escape the constant pain in living the only life I knew.

I think if I were faced with doing recovery all over again I would have wanted some medication to lessen the pain of coming out of my illness. I would have wanted the help and support of professionals. I would have wanted to be treated with kindness and compassion and understanding. I would have wanted a non-judgemental caring professional with patience to help as I struggled with the recovery process. I would have wanted professionals to see me as a real person. I would have wanted professionals to see that I could and would have been willing to make a connection with them if only they would have asked. I would have been capable of trust if they chose to engage me in a therapeutic relationship that was designed to meet my needs.

It has been many years since my recovery. I have found my place in the real world now. I am happy. I have the same problems as everyone else and I am still growing as a human being. I am considered normal now. It feels pretty damn good to wake up in the morning to see life as it is; filled with up and downs, happy and sad moments, struggles and growing pains, and tears and joys. I deserved this kind of life years ago. I deserved recovery but unfortunately I had to go it alone. I hope others like myself will find recovery too and professionals will find the courage to truly help sufferers instead of using medications as the only source of treatment. Maybe just a dream, but it is the dream of millions of people with schizophrenia around the world.

Tracey May