!st Quarter Newsletter 2002

The following Newsletter was written by a man who has experienced schizophrenia and is willing to share his ideas with us. I am impressed with his efforts and also the fact that he was able to turn his past into a productive lifestyle, working with individuals who are experiencing serious mental illness. He lives in New Zealand and his name is Gary Dudding.

If you have any interest or wish to comment on what he wrote, please let me know at my e mail address JARosberg@aol.com and I will send your messages to him.

 Introduction and writing by Gary Dudding

I’ve noticed that I’ve repeated the same idea over in different words. This I think is done to impress upon myself the desperation that an acute sufferer feels. To him it is no laughing matter; his existence hangs precariously in the balance unless he moves to protect it. If these words do not strike a chord in you does it really matter? If it causes you to ponder and know your own wisdom then it has been useful. In that light no communication need be a waste of time.

Terminology

Often we come across terminology to describe Life that we would not use ourselves or are unfamiliar with. Some speak of God, some of Love and others of the Universe. To communicate better with each other we need take a moment to integrate each other’s terms into our understanding.

Observing Schizophrenia

Our brother experiencing schizophrenia lives out dreams of despair, hatred and rage that are rooted in a vision. It’s a vision of fear, of oblivion, of an eternity in some tortuous hell and he perceives it being rained upon him by everyone and everything. The vision is a lie, an illusion; nevertheless his life is consumed with attacking that which he is sure has been sent to destroy him. This he does with a violence and rage based in fear that his eternal existence is in danger and so is forced to protect it at all cost. There is no peace, there is no joy, only continuous vigilance against those who would do him harm. This is the experience of the acute schizophrenic. The longer he continues rooted to this single sponsoring thought, this horrific destruction, the more real it appears, the more desperate he becomes.

A Bi-Polar Experience

In an attempt to escape these terrible visions, through shear willpower, our sister gathers her strength and attempts an all-out assault against the nightmare. Dreams of invincibility fill her mind in an attempt to crush it in every instance, moment after moment, thinking she is defeating oblivion and gaining her escape. Soon follows collapse as her continuous attacks against hell tumble around her and she sinks back into despair, beaten again. The attempt, being attack in a different guise, was futile, but she will try again thinking this time, this time she will win the battle.

Attack, the Mistake

Despite the futility our brother clings to attack as if it were a friend thinking it offers him protection and safe passage in the world, that by seeking the death of everything he perceives is seeking his he will finally be free. To our brother it is simple: Destroy or be destroyed. Do what it takes to halt the fires of hell descending upon him.

It is in attacking that our sister makes her mistake for in attacking she becomes that which she is seeking to escape; violent, full of rage, then in despair. All her attempts but draw her imaginary nightmares closer to her breast and make what is not real seem even more likely.

This is the mind of insanity, a mind that knows no peace, that remembers no joy, that thinks death will be forced upon him unless he moves to mercilessly stamp it out.

This is the faulty thought system that causes her grief but she will not let it go, for in doing so she is sure she will be defenseless against hell and her destruction will quickly follow.

A Field of Infinite Possibilities

The journey into psychosis is always unique. Not one brother is the same as another because each has chosen thoughts and experiences from a field of infinite possibilities. In the healing relationship we cannot limit ourselves to what we already know but must always remain open to an infinite field of possibilities. We do not know what will cause our brother to remember himself. It could, in all seriousness, be the way you hold your tongue or the humming of a tune that tips the scales.

THE FIRST GIFT

When we first look into the eyes of our sister and see the terror that holds her stirred is the deepest of yearnings to run endlessly to her aid, to extend to her peace of mind. This is The First Gift, inspired by our sister, in us.

Failure is Not an Option

We are indebted to our brother for without his being sick we could not experience ourselves being his healer and would find ourselves without purpose. Knowing this, there is only one acceptable attitude and one acceptable response: "My brother, I am the way. Follow me". Failing to do this is a betrayal beyond words and so we remain always willing in guiding him back to sanity.

The Healing Relationship

In extending peace of mind to our brethren we never speak to his illness but keep reminding him of the way he already knows but has merely forgotten. He will not agree with what we are doing and fight against us constantly and this is where our strength is required in holding on to sanity for him. His disagreement does not matter because it is not necessary in ensuring the beginning of his recovery. We keep enforcing sanity because every action rooted in Love will have a positive effect and constant reinforcement brings its rewards.

Using punishment requires the infliction of pain and serves no purpose. How does inflicting pain add to what needs be done? Why would one harm a child for making an error? Instead we consistently enforce consequence which observes an error has been made and requires correction. (I do not consider forced confinement to be punishment but an opportunity for someone to consider their next course of action.) We express gratitude for and rejoice at each small step in a positive direction for it is an achievement worthy of celebration. And when the way forward is not clear to us we sit, we ponder, we yearn to know. In the twinkling of an eye the answer appears within our being and joy floods us in the implementation of this new idea and we know our purpose is being fulfilled.

Our Brethren’s Return

And so it is, we forever extend peace of mind to our sister while looking forward to the day she remembers that salvation is hers by laying aside her murderous rage, sickening despair and vicious attacks like toys that no longer interest her. We look into her eyes and see she has relinquished the need to attack and the terror that surely follows it has gone. She chooses instead a journey of joyous laughter and the peace of mind she always deserved. Her steps are still unsteady so we softly tend to her while her legs grow strong.

Then shortly will come the day when appears in her the deepest of yearnings to run to the side of her brethren and say, "My sister, follow me. I am the way".

Written by

Gary Dudding