September - 1999
Just imagine being tormented sexually, mentally and physically for 12 years by some deranged psychopath who appears to be somewhat of an animal stalking it's prey. No human being would survive.
At the age of nine I had a mental breakdown causing my mind and body to shut down suddenly without warning. But before this occurred I had already developed a severe case of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, along with Panic and Anxiety Disorder. I believe that the condition Schizophrenia surfaced after years of abuse. It was slow to develop but when it hit, it was fast. The cause became buried and my world become entangled with delusions, paranoia, voices and an intense fear of life. My subconscious automatically stored the cause of my condition. Even I no longer was aware that I was lost inside myself. The core of my being remained intact but was hidden from my awareness. This is when I became fully involved in my self created world in order to survive and hide the truth from myself and others. I was always told I was crazy, a term I resent still. All together I spent 21 years being severely impaired and through it all I did not receive any help. I am sure during my school years teachers and other children were aware that I was sick but did not intervene because of there own fears. If I could not handle the truth how could an onlooker handle it. I wish somebody would of pulled me aside and asked me questions concerning my sickness, it could of helped me instead of isolating me. It is unfortunate that most people are afraid of Schizophrenia. At the age of fourteen I was hospitalized and that experience left me weary of psychiatrists intentions of treating me. I was treated like an invisible person, sitting on the side lines waiting desperately to be approached. Even though I was sick I still had the capacity to engage in normal conversation.
I was never told about Schizophrenia and its causes. The hospital was scary and because of my inability to remember the cause of my condition I could not reach out. Schizophrenia controlled my life. More than anything I wanted to be understood. I did not talk right, my world seemed coded like I only knew the secret ingredient to my absurd language and in many ways Schizophrenia kept me safe. I was not equipped to handle the truth. People became the enemy, trust was non-existent and my voice was silenced. My senses sharpened, my body was numb and words were scrambled but if someone would of listened carefully to my the clues in between my broken sentences the cause would of been discovered and therapy could of started. Because of the denial of most mental health professionals recovery was not possible. I found my experiences with mental professionals to be impersonal in nature and I was never treated like a human being with feelings. Every time I sat in front of a psychiatrist I was met with disbelief and denial on the doctor's part. There was also excuses why I could not receive therapy, some were that they didn't have the time or the knowledge to treat me.
Nobody knew what to do with me so I was placed in group homes and out of frustration social workers ignored me. I was made fun of, laughed at and in order for the social workers to survive on the job they told me I had to leave.
At the age of seventeen I was taken to a boarding house and only after a month I ended up on the streets without any support. I lived day to day staying at hostels and sleeping on park benches. I had no money, my clothes were dirty and I hung with the other outcasts were it was safe because I knew I was not welcomed in main stream society. I became a label. My identity was non-existent, lost in a crowd a became just another case number. I always felt like a scapegoat where society could blame me for all the world's problems. It was a burden thrown at me, people had forgotten that I was a real person who deserved a home and respect. After years of searching for help I gave up on the mental health system because I knew deep down that they were in much denial as I was and this is were I gained insight into how to change. After being told all my life that my reality was wrong I was going to prove them different. At the age of twenty-one I had enough and this is when consciously I was going it alone. I had a break through for the first time in my life my delusions were replaced with actual events concerning the cause of my condition and I was terrified. The truth surfaced full force and I was left sobbing for days at a time. My story is too long to tell in a few pages but I'll tell you one thing I was awakened by an inner drive to beat this condition that I had no control over. I had finally broken free. My three year journey into mental wellness had began. I was devastated to discover the truth that I had been living a lie and that I had been severely abused. It hurt deeply to know that the cause of my condition had developed because of the cruel actions of others. I wrote a 332 page story concerning Schizophrenia and its causes and I am now pursuing publication and I hope to put all the myths to rest because this is human life we are talking about. Anyone living with Schizophrenia is in severe pain, there is no enjoyment in being sick. I think I can speak for everyone with Schizophrenia because even though the cause might be different the symptoms are the same. More than anything we need a strong voice to dispel popular belief that Schizophrenia is an incurable disease of the brain. Once these myths are laid to rest I believe that real progress will be made. Until then people will continue to suffer silently and the public will continue to be misled. I believe once people start to recover they will be put in the position to help others in understanding this misunderstood condition called Schizophrenia. It would be a great benefit to society, mental health professionals and families to educate them in order to make sure the so called mentally ill are heard.
